when you look cute in a snapchat and they don’t reply
did you hear about the italian chef who died?
he pasta way
he just ran out of thyme
here today, gone tomato
his wife is still upset, cheese still not over it
we never sausage a tragedy coming
ashes to ashes, crust to crust
there’s just not mushroom for italian chefs in today’s world
finally my child can safely ram her fucking head into a doorknob this is what the future is all about what a time to be alive
why are my parents always like “go to bed.” i am in bed. im always in bed. you go to bed. stop talking to me.
Quick and simple lifehacks.
when i was in year 5, i did a speech on clumsiness for my school’s public speaking contest and to be clever, i tripped on my way to the stage dropping my note cards all over the place, but then i pulled the real ones out of my pocket saying ‘if you’re going to be clumsy, it pays to be prepared!’
everyone lost their shit and i got second place
If you got second place who got first… Did they talk about fire safety and burn the stage down or something